California to Texas Dictionary

For Californians who have found it necessary to move to Texas and need some help communicating with the locals, here are California phrases translated into Texas vernacular:

CALIFORNIA                            TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons               Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands                Swamp

Undocumented Worker              Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials           Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery              Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed                    Well-protected

Narrow-minded                    Righteous

Nonviable Tissue Mass            Unborn Baby

Taxes or Your Fair Share         Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control          Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives     Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity      Socialism

Upper Class or "The Rich "       Self-Employed

Progressive, Change              Big Government Scheme

Sniper Rifle                     Scoped Deer Rifle

Assault Weapon                   Grandpa's M1 carbine

Religious Zealot                 Church-going

Healthcare Reform                Socialized Medicine

Socialized Medicine              New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Fair Trade Coffee                Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Mandated EcoFriendly Lighting    Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

Truants                          Homeschoolers