Why You Should Marry a Computer Scientist

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Scientists:

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.

This is not a problem with your Computer Scientist husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Computer Scientist spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Computer Scientist husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your physical peak. The only hazard that your Computer Scientist husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits.
For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and when you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

On the Government Spying Scandal

"Going through our phone records, checking our computers, reading our e-mails.... When did Obama become our psycho ex-girlfriend?" -- Jay Leno

How to Make Dark Brown Sugar

Place the 1 lb. (approx 2.25 cups) of white sugar and 1/4 cup (3 oz by weight) of molasses into your food processor and mix until the molasses is completely incorporated into the sugar. This will take about one minute of mixing. You may need to pause the processor and scrape down the sides with a spatula. Use what you need and store the rest in an airtight container. For those on the metric system, 1 lb = 454 grams, and 1/4 cup is 60 ml, or 85 g in wt. Or use can use any 5.5 to 1 ratio (by weight -- you *do* have a kitchen scale, right?) sugar to molasses. I'd tell you how to make light brown sugar, but I never use the stuff, so I've never tried it. I suppose you could try reducing the amount of molasses.

Oven-roasted Rosemary Potatoes

3 pounds small red potatoes 

1/4 cup light olive oil

1 tablespoon Canadian Steak Seasoning

1 tablespoon minced garlic (or 3 cloves)

3 tablespoons minced fresh rosemary leaves

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Cut the potatoes in half or quarters and place in a bowl with the olive oil, seasoning, garlic and rosemary; toss until the potatoes are well coated. Dump the potatoes on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and spread out into 1 layer; roast in the oven for about 60 minutes (until nicely browned). Flip once with a spatula during cooking to ensure even browning.

Remove the potatoes from the oven, season with additional salt and pepper if desired, and serve.

Big Brother Has a Secret Database

Maxine Waters may be crazy, but I believe her. Everything about the way this president does business is consistent with this.

(6/10/2013 note: edited to replace video after original taken down)

Timotheus' Disappearing Gingerbread Recipe

Yum!

9 ounces white whole wheat flour (about 2 1/4 cups)

2 ounces brown sugar  (approx 1/3 cup) 

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon cardamom

1/4 teaspoon cloves

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

4 ounces (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted

5 ounces molasses (approx 3/8 cup)

4 ounces dark corn syrup (approx 3/8 cup)

1 large egg

1 cup buttermilk (or, add 1Tbsp lemon juice to 1 cup milk)

2 ounces diced crystallized ginger (optional, about 1/4 cup)

1 Tbsp grated fresh ginger (optional)

1) Grease and flour a loaf pan. Preheat the oven to 350°F.

2) In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour,  baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cardamon, cloves, and nutmeg.

3) Melt the butter. Add the molasses, corn syrup, and brown sugar, and pour into the dry ingredients in the bowl, mixing to moisten.

4) Whisk together the egg and buttermilk. Stir into the batter until it's evenly combined. Stir in the crystallized ginger and fresh ginger.

5) Pour the batter into the prepared pan, and bake for 35 to 40 minutes, until the cake just begins to pull away from the edge of the pan and a toothpick comes out clean.

6) Remove from the oven and turn out onto a cooling rack.

Best. Legislative. Bill. Evah!

HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 16

WHEREAS, The members of the 116th General Assembly of Ohio wish to recognize the rock song "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of the great State of Ohio; and

WHEREAS, In 1965, an Ohio-based rock group known as the McCoys reached the top of the national record charts with "Hang On Sloopy," composed by Bert Russell and Wes Farrell, and that same year, John Tagenhorst, then an arranger for the Ohio State University Marching Band, created the band's now-famous arrangement of "Sloopy," first performed at the Ohio State-Illinois football game on October 9, 1965; and

WHEREAS, Rock music has become an integral part of American culture, having attained a degree of acceptance no one would have thought possible twenty years ago; and

WHEREAS, Adoption of "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of Ohio is in no way intended to supplant "Beautiful Ohio" as the official state song, but would serve as a companion piece to that old chestnut; and

WHEREAS, If fans of jazz, country-and-western, classical, Hawaiian and polka music think those styles also should be recognized by the state, then by golly, they can push their own resolution just like we're doing; and

WHEREAS, "Hang On Sloopy" is of particular relevance to members of the Baby Boom Generation, who were once dismissed as a bunch of long-haired, crazy kids, but who now are old enough and vote in sufficient numbers to be taken quite seriously; and

WHEREAS, Adoption of this resolution will not take too long, cost the state anything, or affect the quality of life in this state to any appreciable degree, and if we in the legislature just go ahead and pass the darn thing, we can get on with more important stuff; and

WHEREAS, Sloopy lives in a very bad part of town, and everybody, yeah, tries to put my Sloopy down; and

WHEREAS, Sloopy, I don't care what your daddy do, 'cause you know, Sloopy girl, I'm in love with you; therefore be it Resolved, That we, the members of the 116th General Assembly of Ohio, in adopting this Resolution, name "Hang On Sloopy" as the official rock song of the State of Ohio; and be it further Resolved, That the Legislative Clerk of the House of Representatives transmit duly authenticated copies of this Resolution to the news media of Ohio.