A thought

During B's illness, there were many times that I thought I would gladly take her place, and I meant that literally. I often asked God "Why her and not me?" I can honestly say that I would have taken her place without hesitation.

However, in looking back at it now, I can say that I'm glad that it was me that was left behind, and not her. I would not have put her through these dark and lonely days, not for anything.

Life will go on, it will get better. I know that. But until then, it's awfully hard.

I hate hypocrisy

Let's get this straight: Sheryl Crow can tour the country with a caravan of 3 tractor trailers and 4 buses (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/scrow/scrow4.html)
but she wants us to limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper? (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6583067.stm)

A good day

My youngest just came home. All is right with the world.

Survivors

Last night I went to a party for dear friend, the wife of my former pastor. It marked the 5th anniversary of her survival from pancreatic cancer. Five years is the "brass ring" for us. If we can be in remission for 5 years, we're "cured" (but we're always on guard for the beast.)

The joy of my pastor in reaching this milestone with her was obvious. I hope that twinge of jealousy that I momentarily felt wasn't. Why does he still have his mate, and why am I alone? It didn't seem fair. I shook off that feeling before it could fester, though. I wanted to rejoice with them.

My five-year point was reached in May of 2006. B and I both had appointments that day. I got the good news of "no more CT scans needed" -- but it just more bad news for her; yet another treatment had failed to reduce the liver tumor.

I couldn't wallow in my own pity-party, though. Also present was a young widow with a new-born baby. Her husband had died suddenly when she was only a couple months pregnant with their first child. That little baby looked so much like her daddy. We talked a while. We understood each other. We shared the difficulty of going on, of being the ones left behind. The struggle to find a purpose to get up out of bed in the morning. How even getting dressed is burden. I may write more on this later.

Finding Hope in Tragedy

My pastor preached on the topic "Hope" this past Sunday. He called me when I was in Indiana on business, told me his outline, and asked if I could make the last point for him. I was a little hesitant, but I agreed to do it. God was good, and gave me the strength to be able to get through it.

CPCWarrior told me I needed to post it. I don't always do what I'm told, but I will today.

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Finding Hope in Tragedy

Good morning. My name is [Timotheus], and as most of you know, we lost my wife B this past November after a two year battle with cancer. It has been an incredible loss for me and my family -- [The Captain], [The Law Student], and [The Violinist]. Those of you who haven't lost your soul mate have no idea how tremendously difficult it is; I can't even begin to explain.

B was unique. Some wondered how the two of us ever got together. Some called us "The Odd Couple." Someone once commented that "B is the life of your life's party." In so many ways that's true. I didn't have to make any friends -- B made them for me.

During B's illness, there were times when I was driven to the brink of despair. There were times I would rage. One time I yelled until I had no voice left. I do have to say that if it was not for God being there, I -- we -- could not have made it. Through all that time we were going through that, and not just then, but now as well -- probably even more so -- God gave me three precious gifts that I want to tell you about this morning.

First of all, He gave me the gift of His presence. In times of darkness, in the utter loneliness, God speaks through His Word. He was there in the constant procession of precious friends who gave encouragement, and prayed with us, loving us and our children. I don't know how I could have made it during those last weeks without Pastor and J.S. making arrangements so that I could give B the care she needed. Our church family and T.F. always made sure we had food. I think there's still one more meal in the freezer. I'm glad we didn't have to go through this alone.

The second gift was the gift of purpose. I don't have it all figured out just yet, it's not fully revealed -- maybe it never will be -- but I can see how God used Bonnie and me to strengthen other people. I remember standing by B's bedside that last Sunday morning and asking God why she was lingering, and the answer came to mind as clearly as if I'd heard it audibly: "B is still ministering to people." Later that day, Dr. F. told me that in all the years that he had been at the hospital that he had never seen a patient touch the lives of the staff like B and our family did. Now, we still don't see everything, it's still rather vague, like the tapestry that Pastor mentioned in his message. [Pastor had told me that he would be using the illustration of a tapestry seen from the back side in his message, so I tied that in.]

The third gift is the promise of that place that He has prepared for me. During B's memorial service, Pastor imitated B jumping for joy as she entered into heaven. I'm sure she did just that. And when, some day, I see her again, whether I die or whether through Christ's return, I'm sure she'll be excited to introduce me to all the new friends she's made there.

God still has a plan for me here, but I look forward to that day. Sometimes I hunger for it. God has given me a hope and assurance that this world cannot even begin to comprehend.

Priceless Quote of the Day

" . . . Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.

When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one--even the staunchest supporters of science and technology--had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST THE WEATHER!--for the next one hundred years..."

George Reisman, The Toxicity of Environmentalism

The Meaning of Trials

I recently ran across a very profound quote that happened to fit in exactly with a question I had just been asked ("Why do you think God put you through first your own cancer, and then your wife's cancer and death?") I didn't have an good response. And then, in a serendipitous way, I happened upon this thought:

"We cannot understand the meaning of many trials; God does not explain them. To explain a trial would be to destroy its object, which is that of calling forth simple faith and implicit obedience. If we knew why the Lord sent us this or that trial, it would thereby cease to be a trial either of faith or of patience." Alfred Edersheim, 1825 - 1899.

By way of background, Alfred Edersheim was raised in a Jewish home and educated in the Talmud. As an adult he became a Christian, and went to a Presbyterian seminary. He later became an Anglican minister. His unique training in Hebrew and the Talmud gave him great insight into the Old Testament roots of Christianity. His most well-know work is The Life and Times of Jesus the Messiah, which explains the Gospel accounts in light of the Jewish culture of the day.